Ancient Techniques
by peanutbutterer
Summary: Season One. JohnElizabeth.


"Indestructible."

Elizabeth shakes her head.

"Invincible."

Another shake.

He tries again. "Incredibly boring?"

She sighs.

"Does it even start with an 'I'?"

"No."

John runs a hand through his hair, closing his eyes for a moment before launching into his best impression of a whiny teenager. "Do I really have to –"

"Yes," she insists, sliding the book closer to him, "you do."

He thinks about responding with a childish _do not!_ but knows she's right. Between the last incident with a foreign princess, that trip where he wound up in an alien jail, and the black eye he received from that big guy with the hatchet, he thinks that maybe the ability to read Ancient contracts, signs and warnings would come in handy.

"Hives, Major," she reminds him with a thinly veiled smirk. "You came back with hives."

Oh yeah. And the hives. He scratches absently at a scar left by an itchy blister before huffing a sigh. She's sitting at the head of her bed and he's on the edge, one foot dangling off the side. His eyes find the symbol on the page. "It looks like an 'I' to me," he grumbles under his breath.

Elizabeth merely raises an eyebrow. The wide range of meanings she can convey with that eyebrow continues to impress him. And he's maybe a tiny bit afraid, too. He's pretty sure she's aware of that little tidbit.

"Right." He sighs. "Not helping. Got it." He squints at the book. "Is it an 'A'? 'B'? 'C'?"

He must look as pathetic as he feels because she gives up, leaning back against the wall. "I suppose I could just teach you how to say, 'If I sleep with you will anyone try to kill me?' That would solve most of your off-world problems."

"Could you also teach me how to recognize the words 'deadly,' 'dangerous' and 'highly contagious'?"

She grins. "Where's the fun in that?"

John groans.

"Plus," Elizabeth continues, drawing her legs to her chest, "we never would have gotten such a great trade agreement with the Veshans if you hadn't caught that strain of flu. Their guilt over that whole ordeal got us an extra harvest of plantains."

He swivels on the bed to face her, hooking his right leg up over the mattress. "Are you saying my three weeks of suffering was worth it so that you could have a banana split?"

Her mouth says no but her eyes say yes.

"Elizabeth!"

"I saw you take a second slice of banana cream pie yesterday, John," she accuses in turn.

True. But beside the point. "I puked for days! I was poked and prodded by Carson's needles! The big ones!"

"And we thank you for that."

John eyes her warily. She's not even bothering to look repentant. She's _smirking_. "You'd let me get the chicken pox if it meant you had access to chocolate, wouldn't you?"

Her eyes brighten. "Have you found a planet with chocolate?"

He shakes his head. "Shameless."

"I'm shameless?"

"Yes."

"This from the man that actually uses the line, 'The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.'"

He bites his bottom lip. It sounds a lot worse when she says it. Her delivery is off. He says it with a lot more charm and a lot less sarcasm. "You heard that, huh?"

She's still smirking. Damn her.

"Well, granted, that's not my best material, but it hasn't failed me yet."

"Ah yes, the brainless bimbos don't require finely crafted pickup lines. One of their more endearing qualities."

"Hey now, let's not get nasty. Just because I don't have world leaders offering to sire my children –" He ducks the pillow she throws at him.

"That was one time!"

"And I don't plan on letting you forget it."

"Ass."

"Just think of me as your conscience."

"I didn't take him up on it."

"You thought about it."

"He looked like George Clooney. _You_ would have thought about it."

"Actually, I'm more of a Russell Crowe."

Elizabeth nods thoughtfully. "I can see that."

He sighs and turns back to the page full of chicken-scratch characters. "Will you at least tell me what letter it starts with?"

She raises an eyebrow. This time to convey that she's dubious. He ought to start a list. "You think that'll help?"

"No," he admits, "but after I get you to give me the first letter I plan on getting you to give me the next one."

"You think I'm going to do that?"

"I hope you're going to do that."

"You think I'm a sucker?"

"I think I'm persuasive."

She laughs. "Uh huh."

"What? I am. I can get you to spill."

"I have sat across the table from many a skilled negotiator, John, and none of them have broken me. What exactly do you have in your arsenal that they didn't?"

He takes a moment to convince himself she's asking for it – flirty tone, sparkling eyes – but makes sure to not hesitate long enough to eliminate "I wasn't thinking" from his list of excuses. Then he leans forward and grabs the back of her neck and watches her eyes widen in surprise as he brings his lips to hers.

In the terrifying moment that their lips meet, John realizes she's not kissing him back. His heart lodges itself in his throat and he uses the rest of the time their lips are in contact to wish he had the power to make himself invisible or travel back in time – preferably the latter so he wouldn't have to stay hidden for the rest of his life in order to avoid coming face-to-face with the woman he respects, admires, harbors a massive crush on, and threw himself at without stopping to consider the fact that she would throw him right back.

"John."

She's pulled away and he opens his mouth – about to claim temporary insanity or residual affects from alien flu – when she laughs. She _laughs_.

He's pretty sure his face has turned beet red and his voice is squeaky when he manages, "What's so funny?"

"Your face," she says when she gets a hold of herself, smile still stretching from ear to ear. "You look absolutely mortified."

He reddens even more. "Yeah, well." She's still laughing – maybe even giggling. He never thought he'd see the day when Elizabeth Weir giggled. Apparently all he had to do was sacrifice himself at the alter of complete and utter humiliation. "Stop laughing."

"I'm sorry," she says, but she's obviously not.

"Uh huh."

"Really John." She makes an effort to pull herself together. "I didn't mean to laugh."

"But you think it's funny."

"A little bit," she admits with a grin.

"Well, I'm glad I amuse you."

"You certainly are entertaining."

"I'm thinking of taking my act on the road. You suppose Teyla will get a kick out of it? Or is this the type of comedy that isn't intergalactic?"

She bites her lip. "I think you'd better not."

"I'll take that under advisement." He moves to scoot off the bed but she grabs his arm.

"John," she says when he doesn't turn to look at her, "we've been flirting for over a year – best friends for months – and you decide that the appropriate time to kiss me is when you're trying to get out of schoolwork?"

The redness returns to his cheeks as he shrugs. "Well, yeah. I really didn't know what the word was."

She grins. "And that was your persuasive technique?"

He finally sneaks a glance at her. "Worth a shot."

She tugs him toward her. "Well, I've got my own persuasive techniques."

He doesn't quite know how to respond to the mischievous twinkle in her eyes. "Oh yeah?"

She nods. "Yeah. I think I can persuade you to learn Ancient."

"You know, Elizabeth, many instructors have tried to teach me things but failed." He regains a bit of his confidence when he asks, "What exactly do you have in your arsenal that they didn't?"

She catches his eyes. "I think you'll be pretty responsive to a reward system."

"Oh yeah?" He's interested now. "And what would the reward be?"

"Are you asking for a sample?"

He tries to keep himself from smiling. He's only partially successful. "Just a demonstration. I have to know what it is I'm working to earn."

"That sounds reasonable." She leans forward, fisting a hand in his shirt as she brings her face to his. "Just a demonstration," she whispers.

Their lips brush gently at first, then the kiss deepens and she makes a little humming sound. It's adorable and perfect and he's suddenly overwhelmed with the desire to find out what other sounds she makes.

She pulls back slowly. "Okay then." She's flushed and flustered and he loves it. She clears her throat and scoots away. "Back to the books."

He doesn't even turn to look at the page. "Mountain."

Elizabeth's eyes narrow. "You knew it all along."

He grins.

"You knew the word! I can't believe you!"

He leans toward her and slips his hand along her hip. "I'd like my reward now."


End file.
